Missing out…

Rich and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary this week and we were lucky enough to receive the gift of time from my parents, they not only treated us to a wonderful couples massage but they also looked after the little guy overnight so we could have a bank holiday night out.

We had been looking forward to this for ages and during pregnancy set firm rules for ‘our time’ when we managed to have some again… ‘no baby talk’ being high on the agenda – oh how naive we were!

We had it all planned out, meal, sparkling conversation about important world issues to show we’re still in touch, wine, cocktails, a romantic stroll back home, more wine, candles, lighting, seduction.

The reality was quite different, order a drink…

(quickly text mum to make sure all ok, stare gormlessly at the gummy smiley face gracing my screen saver for a few seconds)

…relax, drinks going down well and enjoying time together, conversation more Daily Mail than Guardian but hey, there comes a time when you just have to accept the sidebar of doom has sucked you in and this is fine, as long as you always start any reference to what you’ve read with “admittedly it was on daily mail online but…”

(quickly check phone, no reply…oh god! Check message time, 17.34 and current time 17.43. 9 minutes. Why hasn’t she replied yet? Maybe he’s hurt, maybe they’re in hospital, there’s never any reception in hospitals??)

Drink and laugh at myself with Rich, obviously they’re just playing and not seen message!

(17.45 “All fine, off for a walk before bathtime xx”)

Hahaha, of course all is fine, I knew that, wasn’t worried at all!

Dinner continued without concern, plenty of bogof cocktails lubricating our systems and making us those charismatic, charming, hilarious people we used to be pre baby. It was amazing to concentrate on one another and not be bouncing a little person or loosing our train of thought mid sentence when one or other of us started agoooing at Ted but it was also strange!

(18.25 “sending goodnight kisses to the little guy xx”)

Our afternoon/evening was punctuated with thoughts of what Ted would normally be up to and we wondered if he was doing ok (he was), if he missed us (probably not) and if he settled like normal (he did).

(19.20 “Ted bathed, fed and asleep xx” 19.21″Excellent, all ok? Did he settle ok? xx”
19.22 “No problems, now leave me alone and enjoy your evening xx”)

We talked about everything and had an amazing time but our baby boy was never far from our thoughts, we chatted about the times we love at the moment, looked at pictures and marvelled at how much he’s grown already, listed our favourite things he does (who knew looking, grabbing and cooing could be assembled into a hierarchy?!) and our hopes and plans for the future. Everything was about us, the new us, the us that now has three parts. We laughed about our pre parenthood rules, we made no apologies for our deviations though.

My pregnant self was terrified of missing out on the things that made me happy but the things that make me happy now are just different. Happiness is baby grins at 5am, making me feel more loved than I ever thought possible,  it’s watching Rich throw Ted into the air and hearing him squeal with delight, his eyes willing Daddy to do it again, it’s sitting on the floor watching the little guy try with all his might to pull the bee off of his play mat, teetering on the brink of rolling as he wrestles with it. Missing out isn’t an issue now, feeling so content at home means I never really feel I’m missing out because everything I need is here…

Except right now it’s not, it’s having a sleepover at Nanna and Grandad’s…it’s 2am,  candles, wine and seduction are all over and I have no bubba to spy on – I miss him, even though he’ll be fast asleep now, it’s a weird feeling and I can’t wait to collect him already (is it ok to call and ask to listen to him snuffle? No?…OK!)